Sunday, April 20, 2008

Solace Lost ( A Call at 6 A.M.)


Subdued,
a broken dream
voice answers
against a
crumpled pillow
(don't ask me,
I know).


Can we lay
together?
Is it
enough my breath
filters through
the holes
of your
cordless phone?

Expiring a continent
away,
it seems other
objects draw you
away
from the elliptic
of our love.

My heart beats
green as grass.

Tenuous as a dew drop
on the blade.


Consolation never
comes from
tired sighs
or drawn out
love laden
goodbyes.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

David, Your write lacks immediacy. There are too many buffers. See how immediacy alters this:


A dream breaks
A pillow crumples
A voice answers.

Can we lay together?
Filtered through holes
of your cordless?

Best lines:

My heart beats
green as grass.

Tenuous as a dew drop
on the blade.

xox Sarai

Anatole David said...

Sarai,


I couldn't disagree more. The excessive lyrical space conveys fatigue, labor. At 6 A.M.--tired and full of doubts--expansive and labored the lover talks himself like a weaver spinning--unlike the French Royalty, he or she cannot say "I toileth not".....

Anatole David said...

"Green as grass" is pilfered from Sappho.

Anonymous said...

David, You just bolstered my point you silly. Sarai