Silence of open space,
hungry birds hedged in stillness
greet Gods and give place.
Proud Mothers and Fathers
hide loss from fledgling eyes.
The Universe does not sing praises.
Bow low lest your head
gets singed by stars.
Vendors of the afterlife,
where are your needy deities?
Only acolytes
and reckoned hearts
stretch out hands.
6 comments:
Tam Marti quam Mercurio....
Ovid
Correction: I meant the fourth and sixth stanza's imagery and metaphor.
I think the "worship is war against loss" is the weakest line in the piece--not to be contrary--
I think the opening is exquisite--as a brilliant friend of mine told me---it's not redundant to modify space--space asks to be modified--My friend said it better--but that was the gist--But thanks, Bey, for the input.
David, I can only share what I find and feel in your writes ... what speaks to me.
On the space issue: perhaps "unfolding" may better describe what you begin with "open" ... and give some movement to the space? Bey
Pardon ame por favor. Here's my reposting of my initial critique:
Okay, here 'tiz:
Silence of spaces (open is redundant).
The second stanza is confusing to me in concept.
The imagery and metaphor in your third and fifth stanzas are exquisite.
Your "Worship is war against loss" ... makes me think our cat is right about you. I've never heard such a refined expression on war.
David, this line is strong and would make a more powerful final line. You don't need the last two stanza's in my opinion ... not there anyway. ... Bey
1:25 AM
Lo nano
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