So many came to watch blonde boys run bright under cruel Noon burning skin. A new song breaks from homogenous housetops. The Eventide strain boys whistle while beckoned by dim blue light's placid blush.
There is a stark glory in these images... and some movement. It could be elevated... David, this is the first time I recall a sense of your heat branding strong yet retaining its composed nod to the Greek classics in diction and imagery. If you finesse this poem, it could be your signature write and break.
Indulge my ideas:
1. A careful vetting of each article and word choice spotlights "watch" and "run" in the first passage. The "watch" does not free the "run".
"Cruel" is another consideration. A riper word choice would lend starker contrast and a more defined break in segue into the second stanza.
2. For reasons I cannot articulate, the "homogenous" doesn't fit tight for me in the third passage. My first thought was "uniform" or "identical"... Perhaps it's the "washes over" that trips me up. "Washes past..."?
3. On the final line "to shelters hushed shade" ... the syntax stilts it. It does not quite finish your piece with soft or hard of strength. I almost think "to shade's hushed shelter" would fit better here.
I am thinking that the third stanza is the most problematic part of the read for me. And should that be refined and lifted, it may change the entirety. This is the kind of poetry that can define you and make your mark. Its a nearly-brilliant write David. Patiencia, Sarai
1 comment:
There is a stark glory in these images... and some movement. It could be elevated... David, this is the first time I recall a sense of your heat branding strong yet retaining its composed nod to the Greek classics in diction and imagery. If you finesse this poem, it could be your signature write and break.
Indulge my ideas:
1. A careful vetting of each article and word choice spotlights "watch" and "run" in the first passage. The "watch" does not free the "run".
"Cruel" is another consideration. A riper word choice would lend starker contrast and a more defined break in segue into the second stanza.
2. For reasons I cannot articulate, the "homogenous" doesn't fit tight for me in the third passage. My first thought was "uniform" or "identical"... Perhaps it's the "washes over" that trips me up. "Washes past..."?
3. On the final line "to shelters hushed shade" ... the syntax stilts it. It does not quite finish your piece with soft or hard of strength. I almost think "to shade's hushed shelter" would fit better here.
I am thinking that the third stanza is the most problematic part of the read for me. And should that be refined and lifted, it may change the entirety. This is the kind of poetry that can define you and make your mark. Its a nearly-brilliant write David. Patiencia, Sarai
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