I was an integer looking for the Equation.
Nightmare played a waltz under hidden
seas. My horse pulled up lame. Darkness
granted a negative Damascus.
I was lost, no desire for being found. The Cosmos
melted into an Ocean of vomit, tears, and piss.
Sleep stood next to a lantern one block ahead. He cracked
a full-bellied grin. His laughter played an aching tattoo
radiating waves inside my head.
The wind blew coarse as an Early Church polemic. Foreign
cells warred inside me. A cloud's nipple offered false
solace.......And there I stood with my mouth open to the sky.
I was an integer looking for equation, eyes heavy
sandbags. Nearby a light bulb screamed light.
Sleep kicked at my heels.
The wind settled and I fell into a woman. She pushed me
aside.
Everything became whiteness and scent made my nostrils
burn. I became a pincushion for cruel angels.
The largo of a siren-like beep seduced me into rest's
capricious arms.
melted into an Ocean of vomit, tears, and piss.
Sleep stood next to a lantern one block ahead. He cracked
a full-bellied grin. His laughter played an aching tattoo
radiating waves inside my head.
The wind blew coarse as an Early Church polemic. Foreign
cells warred inside me. A cloud's nipple offered false
solace.......And there I stood with my mouth open to the sky.
I was an integer looking for equation, eyes heavy
sandbags. Nearby a light bulb screamed light.
Sleep kicked at my heels.
The wind settled and I fell into a woman. She pushed me
aside.
Everything became whiteness and scent made my nostrils
burn. I became a pincushion for cruel angels.
The largo of a siren-like beep seduced me into rest's
capricious arms.
2 comments:
Please puff yourself up. Your font is too small.
"My eyes were dry as canvas." - would make for a stronger lead in.
"Somewhere a nightmare played a waltz" - period. You need nothing else; its a perfect metaphrase. You force the reader to work too hard rather than linger on imagery.
"Sleep stood next to a lantern one block ahead. He cracked
a full-bellied grin. His laughter played an aching tattoo on my..." - a ripe beautifully layered passage full of multi-sensory play san tympanum. (clunk)
Syntax shift would free the line:
"The largo of high pitched beeps capriciously united me with
Sleep."
There are moments where your lines almost dance. David you are crowding and losing the rhythm by your force feeding diction of a different genre. You need to decide what your mission is with your write. And who your audience is.
If you're lending voice to drug induced states...why must the language of master philosophers be inserted here. Please please please weed them out. You have blips of passions wanting to rise. This one could be lyrical - marketable lyrics. This merits an editing. Sarai
David,
Tan bien...vala va pena. Estar fuera de quicio! Un fuerte` pluma. Sarai
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