Friday, February 15, 2008

Milk Saucer Moon

Feline night
beckons with
brazen eyes.

Darkness, slack and pliant,
warps freedom
to misguided ways.

Recondite as a child's
precocious metaphysical
queries of why,

the milk saucer moon
hangs halved above.

My clouded head craves 
indubitable Sun 
to whisk green cats away
and break blameless day.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Bonbon, SYNTAX: try playing with syntax ... in both lines, passages, and entirety. See how a little tweak or pinch can exact a totally different meaning ... or a more acute meaning.

...Judgement: To be able to suspend the urgent, to do what's important.
...Just some thoughts: "Saucers' Milk Moon" or "Milks' Saucer Moon"

line 1: 'feline's night ... beckons with shining eyes'
night.
...--- invert lines to nuance a more fluid delivery.

e.g. Night's careless soft,
mistakes its way
into [a warped freedom].

x Sarai

Anonymous said...

While I do appreciate your love of asymmetry ... it needs to cohere some. *Final two passages are perfect. *S