The Oooliad, Book I ---The Fair Maiden and Her Menagerie

Book I



The Sun sprays light gen'rously over
Suburbia's sprawl. Its rays gently hover
In our heroine's green eyes.
She turns slowly and espies,
'Tis noon and lazily sighs.
The room, hard to tell, if be an abode
For a maiden or a foul toad.
In the corner a proud Parrot
Guards her repose. A carrot
In his beak and unnerv'd on the perch
Opposite a giant lizard, still as a church.
He licks his scaly maw and eyes slow
Seven turtles in an aquarium's murky glow.

This the fair maiden who stokes Hera's hate?
This the fair maiden who invokes dire fate?
In the fields south of Dallas she dwells,
A land of hillbillies and proud yokels.
From Olympus Hera's aweful gaze
Follows our heroine and then stays.
"What can I essay to bring her woe?
The ways infinite, and the ease ill dispose
My decision must be weighed with craft.
For Zeus has eyes and is far from daft."
In counsel with dread Alecto She issues
A plot, deceptive, to assail inner tissues.
"Her bowels I pollute with Avernian dross!
Sulfurous and deathly, creeping, it shall cross
Her e'ery second and make life hell!"
The Heavens ring with Hera's curse
Lesser Gods scurry, to Her anger averse.


And what, pray tell, has our maiden done,
To deserve dire curse and Hera's shun?
All Zeus' ennui we, the blame lay.
He is a God, so He cannot pay.
At first her green eyes and fair skin
Caught the Thunderer when she, at Gym,
Gracefully climbed the stairmaster
And ne'er looked pained and marched faster.
Zeus' heart sped as her lithe legs lifted
His loins burned and His passions sifted.
Dalliances past He contriv'd artful disguise
But Oooli is strange and full of guise.
Our Heroine's nothing like maidens past,
She loves guns, reptiles and things aghast.
And to her girlfriends winks and simpers,
"I've climbed the fence but never leaped over."
How to catch such a slippery wench?
Zeus cannot find a perfect cinch.

In desperation, at first, He tries
The tried and true element of surprise.
As a rat he leaps on her snow-like shoulder
In her garage, in darkness, but Oooli, bolder,
Slaps Him away and screams bloody murder.
Back He goes, shamed and plots further,
Zeus is a God, undaunted He again endeavors.
Doubtful yet proud He questioned his powers
"Have I lost my touch, no more Golden Showers?
But lost to things that creep 'neath fallen bowers,
The Golden Age is gone, I must new method try."
He lifted His proud head and in distress a cry
Cleaves the clouds above Olympus and then a sigh.
Days passed and alone Zeus sulked.
The Gods all noticed and on His throne Hulked
In thought, no God or Goddess dare inquire.
Hera knew what pained, her jealous eyes dart fire.

A second stratagem He, at length, employs.
In the light of her room not darkened decoys
Which only affright and cool the ardor.
Proudly He smiles and applauds His sagacity.
"I'll become a harmless mouse, blonde and pretty,
Creep into her bed and climb the Maiden Mound,
Nibble in and lap the nectar like a thirsty hound.
Then fertilize her with my heavenly load.
And she will bear a God's brood in her wild abode."

E'en plans of Gods are subject to fickle fate
He became a mouse and learned with regret
The weight of our Heroine on his little shape.
Crushed and without breath he labors
'Til Pallas, His favorite, sensed the dangers
And to the rescue She descended.
Too late, our Heroine her honor defended
With the thrash of a broom luckless Zeus sails
Across the room, landing on the Iguana's scales .
With hungry, cold, eyes the Lizard licks the air
And tastes the Mouse's scent and shifts his care
To eating the rodent tickling his palette.
In time Athene snatches Zeus from its gullet.


Athene with a mouse in tow up to Olympus sails
And Her disguised quarry to the throne avails.
"I dare not try this Maiden again! She, like dread Plutus,
Has a den full of Monsters and weapons to smote Us."

Here Book I ends.
Book II to come at the Kalends.