Sunday, April 20, 2008
Solace Lost ( A Call at 6 A.M.)
Subdued,
a broken dream
voice answers
against a
crumpled pillow
(don't ask me,
I know).
Can we lay
together?
Is it
enough my breath
filters through
the holes
of your
cordless phone?
Expiring a continent
away,
it seems other
objects draw you
away
from the elliptic
of our love.
My heart beats
green as grass.
Tenuous as a dew drop
on the blade.
Consolation never
comes from
tired sighs
or drawn out
love laden
goodbyes.
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4 comments:
David, Your write lacks immediacy. There are too many buffers. See how immediacy alters this:
A dream breaks
A pillow crumples
A voice answers.
Can we lay together?
Filtered through holes
of your cordless?
Best lines:
My heart beats
green as grass.
Tenuous as a dew drop
on the blade.
xox Sarai
Sarai,
I couldn't disagree more. The excessive lyrical space conveys fatigue, labor. At 6 A.M.--tired and full of doubts--expansive and labored the lover talks himself like a weaver spinning--unlike the French Royalty, he or she cannot say "I toileth not".....
"Green as grass" is pilfered from Sappho.
David, You just bolstered my point you silly. Sarai
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