Feline night
beckons with
brazen eyes.
Darkness, slack and pliant,
warps freedom
to misguided ways.
Recondite as a child's
precocious metaphysical
queries of why,
the milk saucer moon
hangs halved above.
My clouded head craves
indubitable Sun
to whisk green cats away
and break blameless day.
Bonbon, SYNTAX: try playing with syntax ... in both lines, passages, and entirety. See how a little tweak or pinch can exact a totally different meaning ... or a more acute meaning.
ReplyDelete...Judgement: To be able to suspend the urgent, to do what's important.
...Just some thoughts: "Saucers' Milk Moon" or "Milks' Saucer Moon"
line 1: 'feline's night ... beckons with shining eyes'
night.
...--- invert lines to nuance a more fluid delivery.
e.g. Night's careless soft,
mistakes its way
into [a warped freedom].
x Sarai
While I do appreciate your love of asymmetry ... it needs to cohere some. *Final two passages are perfect. *S
ReplyDelete